I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
