you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
