Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
