Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
