Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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