Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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