Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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