Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
