dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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