I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm both gender and math confused
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
