Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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