I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if i died would you start the facebook group?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
