good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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