I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
