Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
