Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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