Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
