woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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