New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
