Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
