I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
