You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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