Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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