every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
