He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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