so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
