We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize