john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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