By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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