Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just threw up on my dentist
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
