We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Lo siento on account of my penis...
FUCK WHALES
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
