Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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