this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
