My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
