I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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