Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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