I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
