Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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