this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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