okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
