he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
