: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
