No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
