i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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