Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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