The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
