there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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