i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
