I cannot find my penis.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
