Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
